Does Your Rear View Mirror Scare You?

If you live in the D.C. area you know instantly what I mean. There is always a truck or crazed busdriver tailgating me. There are always random cars switching lanes or cars refusing anyone to move over into their lane. Add to that the Tourist Buses who are a menace in and of themselves and the situation goes critical fast. So as I looked in my rear view mirror today to avoid an accident, I had a ephiphany. Driving down the highway looking in the rear view mirror is a lot like getting caught up on dwelling on something that happened to me many years ago. If I get stuck looking back, I can't see what is coming up fast, and I can't make sense of where I am right now. So enjoy your present. It is the only moment you have.

Choices in Life

Choices, arrggh!! I hate making choices. What I finally realize though is that I ultimately am the choices I make in my life. I bump into this lesson daily as I face the morning and evening commutes and other issues that demand attention by rubbing me the wrong way. I have a theory that things that bug me are actually invisible cats who are rubbing themselves on my legs to get attention. The more I ignore them or the more I dwell on how they make me feel, the more insistent they become. I need to do what Thict Nhat Hanh advises in his book called "The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching" and say "hello, there you are again," to the irritations instead of becoming fearful of them and freezing up. So my path today is to be grateful at being reminded that I am here in this world and in the now. Ownership of life comes with a daily mortgage that must be paid by my paying close paying attention to it. To fail to plan is to plan to fail. And choices are a huge part of that.

Today's Card says it All

This is from the website I adore -- Tarot.com.

Card: The Star Close Window
May you find purpose in your life. Deck: Dragon Tarot images reproduced by permission of US Games Systems Inc. © US Games Systems Inc. Further reproduction prohibited.		General Meaning: What has traditionally been known as the Star card is about reconnecting one's Soul with the Divine -- the transcending of personality, family, community and reputation. It has to do ultimately with the freedom to be one's Self. The Soul is responding to celestial influences -- forces that can provide the personality with a stronger sense of purpose. The Star card helps us to remember our exalted origins and our attraction to a Higher Union. This card could also be called the "Celestial Mandate" -- that which refers us back to our reason for being, our mission in this lifetime. The Star reminds us that, in a sense, we are agents of Divine Will in our day-to-day lives. If we let go of the idea that we are supposed to be in control, we can more easily notice and appreciate the synchronicities that are nudging us along. In this way, we become more conscious of the invisible Helping Hand, and we better understand our place within -- and value to -- the larger Cosmos. Buy this deck now!

Perhaps Trust ... Comes Eventually

And the word of the day is: Trust. Reciting the Nembutsu helps me feel connected to the sangha and helps me work towards trust. Rev. Kenyru T. Tsuji wrote:

"Namu Amida Butsu...
it is the song of gratitude
not of my finding the Buddha,
but Buddha finding me."

UDUMBARA: The Journal of Ekoji (Volume I: Summer, 1985) © 2007 Ekoji Buddhist Temple

Until then,
Peace

Tourists and Ghosts

I was born at the tail end of the baby boom in 1951. I am a child of the God is Dead Generation. When we had an upsurge of ghost activities in my home back in 1969, we went to our Episcopal Church in town expecting help. This was before the Exorcist and Amityville were books or films. Our minister was delighted. He wanted to meet these entities. Say it with me, folks, "That's just crazy!" It was a pretty discouraging experience for me. My minister wanted to be a tourist to my own personal hell. After all, no one in the 60s believed in mainstream religion. Now NPR has BlueGrass Sundays, religious music is sung and written in a popular genre, and ghost questing has actually become touristy enough for the Commerce Department to certify. Gahhh, "O mores, o tempore" So I know, I know, this is a blog on my personal quest dealing with pain by finding acceptance but I didn't expect so much company on the quest for spirituality.

Sighted on the Travel Channel

I had to take public transit today instead of driving. Bad idea. I hurt so much I couldn't sleep. So I started watching the Travel Channel. Weird, I know. It was about ghosts, though, so I was hooked. http://whaleyhouse.org/haunted.htm Hauntings at the Whaley House. The show claims the haunting is certified by the U.S. Commerce Department. We have government certified hauntings now? Arrrggh!!! What next? What ticks me off though is that the show didn't say: "Don't try this at home." I guess ghosts are entertainment now. Which makes them what? Less scarey, less dangerous, less, less, less? Ghost Snooping like this may not harm a person on first exposure or second or third perhaps but dabbling with hauntings is like being covered in cobwebs one strand at a time. A little is fine but by the time it gets too heavy there is no easy escape. So in the spirit of safety...May all beings wherever and whenever they are be blessed tonight and all time.

Waiting for ... Judgment

Today's Personal Card: The Hanged Man This Deck: Old English

General Meaning: Traditionally, the card known as the Hanged Man usually indicates a lack of ability to help oneself through independent action. This energy is arrested and awaiting judgment. With this card, there is no avenue for the will to regain control until the situation has passed. This represents a good time to be philosophical, to study and meditate upon the position you find yourself in, and form resolutions for the moment you become free again. Only those who possess wisdom, patience and optimism will be able to see through limitations, including possible humiliation, to grasp the inspiring lesson one can gain from such an experience.

Until then

Sumo Wrestlers of Souls

I was scared at a very early age (very scared) and stopped listening to knowledge that was literally right at my finger tips. With the help of several amazing people, I am now regaining that ability to listen. And by listening, I am starting slowly to heal.

Who Protects Invisible People? Angels Do.

The scores are in, folks!

Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.

Mid-Life Exams

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2/2007/8048.html

Above is a link to my horoscope on the Daily Om. And it just goes to show the synchoncity I feel as event after event reinforces new knowledge. The unexamined life condemns me to continue old habits that hurt me instead of learning new pathways for pain to go, new pathways for me to go, new ways to acknowledge fear in my life with self acceptance instead of self hate. Learning to Trust. Very important stuff ... but the fact is that I hear echos of examining my motives in old emails I have sent to people, in my horoscope and with my uncrinkle person just yesterday. Who knew things were so intertwined? Perhaps the monks who drew/wrote the illuminated manuscripts but ... not me. For a beautifully intertwined view of life.....here is a shot of the Book of Kells.

Patron Saints

I am looking for a patron saint of invisible people. So far, no luck. But until I find him/her, St. Jude here looks pretty promising. All I am asking is that I appear corporeal. That's all. Is that too much to ask? Anyway, here is a picture of St. Jude with some background information at this link. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Jude

So tired of being invisible

I am so tired of being invisible. A woman jumped in front of me at Starbucks and then acted like she was doing me a favor.

I stayed on the higher ground and didn't call her what she was. But does anyone here think that the higher ground of better manners is shrinking more rapidly than the polar ice pack? Grrrr.

Tiger Balm and High Class Challenges

Yup, viewing the issues I have as high class is a challenge when I am sinking in circulars the post office continues to stuff into my mail box. I continue to improve at living alone, learning mom-hood as a singlet, and being my own rule-maker. Don't you just hate rules and rule makers? I know I do/did/am but I am getting better at it. So Frame of mind depends on how I frame the pain. Is the pain real or is it just muscles that have been ignored too long? See my reference to "There's No Such Thing As Dragons." I keep mining for that silver inside the clouds by digging through all that grey stuff. I am (gasp) actually figuring out what I love doing as an avocation/hobby and the more I define myself--the more I like who I am turning out to be. Late blooming is a good thing. So pass the Tiger-Balm and that Mint Tea.

Share the magic of words. Send a gift sub: http://wordsmith.org/awad/gift.html

Until then

Swallowing Frogs and Illness

This is a snippet from a JSTOR Abstract that fascinated me. All too often I find I "swallow" fear and anger to fit in to a job, a family, a life that is ultimately not my friend. And then I ignore how I feel and continue on with my day. Well, when I saw this paragraph, I knew other women did the same thing. And oddly enough, they have a wonderfully graphic way of describing the process.

"Northeast Brazilian women use the term "swallowing frogs" to describe the act of suppressing anger, hatred, or irritation and of putting up with unfair treatment silently. Most are all too familiar with both these situations, and their anguish finds its expression in folk ailments that embody distress such as evil-eye sickness (mal olhado), "nerves" (nervos), shock sickness (susto), open chest (peito aberto) and blood-boiling bruises. These interrelated syndromes reflect the difficulties of suppressing unsanctioned emotions and of convincing oneself to feel what is socially expected while maintaining proper emotional demeanor. The syndromes are related to a folk theory of strong negative emotions (anger, envy, anxiety, fear) causing both social and physical harm."

Contact JSTOR


Until then

Pearls of Wisdom

As of the May 13, 2005 Tickle Test on matching cars to personality describes me to a T:) You're all about the substance of relationships, not the flash and panache. You're focused on spending time with people and on doing the things you want to do more than the way in which you do it. Sometimes you have to deal with limited resources, but that doesn't mean your life can't be exciting and rich. Just the opposite. You're probably a champion for the underdog, too. Where most people see flaws, you see the character that brings people, and even cars, to life. So what's the perfect car for your personality? Anything with a history that can get you, well, from here to there, in comfort.
My motto? When all else fails, Just do Today
Until then...

Point of View

John Donne said no man is an island but I am such an isolationist. I lament never knowing people who die because I am afraid to get to know them. Fear...is such an invisible motivator for me. I want to fit in, I want to get to know people but I work against that clear water of ... well, fear. So the best I can do some days is just make a kind remark and then run back into my safe place. But is isolation a safe place or is safety an illusion? Meanwhile, enjoy the picture. It is a very famous Lake Erie Island. Looks beautiful, doesn't it? There was a Confederate Prison Camp there during the civil war. So where is safety? It is all in your point of view.

Focus with Chronic Myofascial Pain

I always thought I had pretty good mental focusing and stress. Not great, not bad, just good. CMP is making me re-evaluate my ability to focus on projects and deal with stress on the job. It is bringing me down on one end (physically) while elevating me on the other end (spiritually). A see-saw effect that is good and bad at the same time. See my prior comment a while back about teeter tottering with King Kong. Not easy....

Pain and Spirituality

When pain nailed me to the floor a few years ago, I turned to the spirit and prayer because the pain medicine didn't work. And I started thinking about my soul's path. As usual with me, my road is complicated. I had been feeling disconnected from the synagogue and in fact from Judaism in general for a long while. So after much thought I turned more and more to Buddhist studies -- specifically Zen. Zen concepts are integral in Eido/Kendo which I studied for so long. And I found a community of Shin Buddhists (very closely related to Zen on the Tree of Buddhist thought) near where I live. It is the first religious community that didn't feel threatening to me by the people who were already there. I am a sensitive (ha!) soul and part of the daily pain I go through physically with my myofascial is a hunching up of my shoulders to defend myself. I have hunched my whole life. But I don't hunch here and my "hunch" (you knew I would do that, didn't you?) is that I have finally found what I am told by several spiritual counselors is my soul's path. It fills that hole in my soul and offers me a way of giving back to the stream of life through compassion, serenity, community, food, and prayer. And the emptiness is lifting.

Always Find Something to Believe

When I am feeling down, I like to review positive things I have found about myself. One of the best ways to locate impartial information is to take some of these almost free personality tests. Those are the things I look at to remind myself that someone, something other than me did the judging. And I am reminded that I am someone of value.
Until then

Was You Ever Bit By A Dead Bee?

So this thing I have about death...I have been doing some thinking about it. I realize now that I am no where ready to deal in an acceptance way with all the losses in the family. Call it lack of acceptance, call it a need to control, call it whatever you want. I didn't really get the picture of how unready I was until I was walking along and found a dead bee. It was/is a beautiful creature. Just lying forgotten in an alleyway in the City. There are many tales that come from the City and this is just one of them that caught my heart and made me think. I don't have an aversion to dying for myself. I have an aversion to dying and leaving things left undone for my survivors. It is just silly to want to have a grave picked out, a funeral home contract paid for, all my bills up to date and my clothes in order before I die. Who has a death date calendared into their daytimer? So I just realized all I need to do is to give myself permission to be incomplete when I die. After all, it is just another permission slip to fill out. You'd think I'd have realized that earlier.
Sheesh. Until then
Namaste