Today in Numbers

Today is September 9, 2009 (or 9-9-09).  Numerologically it is fascinating 9-9-9.  As I cruised through the tv channels hoping to find something to watch on the 50 some stations I can get.  No luck.  However, I slowed down at an evangelical station whose announcer-type person talked about how 999 was the reverse (dah!) of 666 which is significant as well.  Apparently the devil has dibs on 666 and 999 is the reverse of that which according to this program means that anyone opposing a 999 person would be overthrown.  Encouraging thought but I have never liked my own numerological reading and by extension am not really impressed.  It just goes to show that I will watch anything when I am bored.

Gravesight / Grave Site

The funeral has reached Arlington Cemetery in the twilight of the day.  All that is visible are the gleaming whites of the honor guard and the gold glints of their many medals.  It is so tough to watch because it must be unimaginably hard for those who are participants of the ceremonies.  Being at funerals before when bodies are placed into the ground is devastating.  Perhaps that is why I watch this so closely so I can continue my own process of healing from the deaths in my family this year and the deaths at the cattery.  The priest at the gravesite has said the kindest of all...that it is somehow fitting for a funeral to take place in the twilight in the promise of the light of the next day after the darkness of the night. 

How to....

Here is the link to the subject how to perform the sign of the cross.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sign_of_the_Cross

Apparently, there is some debate on whether it is the right shoulder to left shoulder or left shoulder to right shoulder. Either way is correct. Good. I have been feeling out of step on this issue for quite a while. Because I was raised 'high church' Episcopalian, the doctrine teaches the sign to be done right shoulder to left shoulder. It feels right to me since my hand ends up over my heart which has a special meaning for me. The article goes on to say that modern Christians cross themselves left to right. And those who are old church cross themselves right to left. It is a good article and a good resource.

Here is the article that inspired the Tears note

Article of the Day
Tears
Human beings produce three basic types of tears: basal tears, which lubricate the eye to keep it clear of dust; reflex tears, which wash out irritants, like onion vapors, that come into contact with the eye; and psychic tears, which result from strong emotions or physical pain and have a different chemical makeup than those created for lubrication. Though tearing as an emotional reaction is considered by many to be a uniquely human phenomenon, some studies suggest that what animals cry too? More... Discuss
Article of the Day provided by The Free Dictionary

Crossings

Crossing ... used to be a simple word for me. Crossing streets, crossing t's, crossing my eyes. Today's funeral reminds me that I cross myself when I say 'amen.' Head, chest, right, left. No, that is not written wrong. It is how I cross myself. Maybe I am dyslexic, maybe I never learned the right way, maybe that was the way I was taught by my Episcopalian minister. Head, chest, right, left. I do it every time I pass a dead animal on the road before calling the animal control number for the folks who clear the car-struck bodies of deer. If the road is no too busy and the animal involved is a crow or a squirrel, I will stop and pick up the body myself, wrap it in a towel I keep handy and take it home to bury. So I feel strange watching so many people do the gesture a different way and yet it is just as valid as mine is. Probably more correct, too. I can accept it. I hope they (that amorphous 'they') can accept my way as well.
May all beings know peace.

Interesting Article of the Day from The Free Dictionary

Today's article is about tears. Now that I write the word, I realize that tears are not only the wet streaks left after an argument or a cut or a funeral. Tears can also be read as "tears" in the fabric of clothe, a wound, the end of a discussion as in 'that tears it.' And certainly Senator Ted Kennedy's funeral today is full of both kinds of tears. Those from seeing the reaction of the people who are standing in today's 86% humidity and 86 degree heat here in DC to watch the motocade to those brave souls in Boston standing in the heavy rain from Hurricane Danny. The weather itself grieves and weeps its own tears. Up north in rain, down here in sweat. And in both places, tears fall from all. It is all so sad. Crickets chirp in the background of C-Span. I love the sound of crickets. I gauge the seasons by them. The louder they are, the nearer to the end of summer we are. We are all seeing the end of an era. May we still be around to witness the rise of another and may all beings know peace.

Saying Farewell to Ted Kennedy

Like the fishermen of Lake Erie, Senator Kennedy has not left us. He has just sailed on ahead.

On the loss of Ted Kennedy

Open letter to the family.......

You have my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your family has given so much to this country that it is unimaginable that the last brother has left us. Born in the 50s, I came of age in the 60s and 70s and all the while watched the news, seeing you all and feeling that here was a family who would fight for those who had no voice, protect the rights of others. Doughty fighters, eloquent speakers, capable of reaching hearts through words and smiles. And if the senator could do that from what could seem an unapproachable place as a United States Senator, then what kind of impact must he have had on close friends and closer family? Your loss is devastating and yet you continue. That's what I think of when I think of the Kennedy's ... loving life, living life, sailing on through storms and high waves. You are all profiles of courage. Thank you for allowing us to share in your loss and to continue to reach out even in your pain. You are all amazing. May you all find peace.

Compass

See post below on finding self. Still searching for that compass. I have been through all the self help therapies known to man and paranomal. From talk therapy, medications, aa, brain scans, spinal taps (no fun), journals, 4 steps, 5th steps, boundary work, chakra work, tai chi, soul retrieval and rewritten the life plan with the higher self. So far the best therapy advice I have ever gotten has been from watching my cats. They don't sweat the small stuff. I move a table, ho hum. I move them, sigh. I don't take them out for a walk (now that's where they draw the line). So they choose their fights. And know themselves and what they want. Eventually, they have taught me that working with others is more effective than working alone, that working with concrete things instead of ideas is far better for me, and that rubbing up against what I need sometimes works just as well as aladins' lamp. For me the cattery is like that. But just like Aladins' lamp, it helps to make sure that what you wish for is something you really need. Perhaps the best curse for current times is to be careful what you wish for...you might get it and then the consequences will come calling for you.....

Just took me by Surprise this Morning

Surfing has a way of creating balance for me. For instance, this morning as I was slurping coffee, I found this article on wikipedia....and it said that it was ok to reprint here. My particular favorite line is
Love many, but trust few; always paddle your own canoe

How to Find Yourself

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

Finding yourself is an enlightening experience. You become self-sufficient. You can do things for others without any expectations of return. You are no longer a needy child and you become utterly grateful for all those things people have done for you in the past. Finding yourself is a time of developing a philosophy or belief system that can carry you through the rest of your life. When you love yourself and who you are, you will savor and enjoy both life's pain and pleasures. How do you know you've found yourself? You will be able to help others find themselves. Finding yourself is not easy, but how can you be yourself if you've never felt connected to who you are, and you want to find whatever makes you you, then read on.

Steps

1. Start with a clean slate. Develop your own moral conduct and practice sticking to it. Remove vice from your life. Smoking, over-eating, and over-drinking will prevent you from functioning at your peak. Remember, you can't drive your life forward if you are always gazing through your rearview mirror!
   
2. Now that you have a clean slate and you realize some people still think you stink: Forget about what everyone else thinks! You cannot please everyone. While you might not want to disappoint the people close to you, they should want you to be happy. As long as you continue to exist to fulfill other people's ideas of who you should be, you'll never know your true talents. "He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away." - Raymond Hull
   
3. Find solitude. Get away from the expectations, the conversations, the noise, the media, and the pressure. Take some time each day to go for a long walk and think. Plant yourself on a park bench and look. Take a long, thoughtful road trip. Whatever you do, move away from anything that distracts you from contemplating your life and where you want it to go. In solitude, you should feel independent and self-sufficient, not lonely, needy or afraid.
   
4. Ask yourself every question in the book, questions that are difficult, that dare to look at the big pictures, such as:
   
   • If I had all the resources in the world - if I didn't need to make money - what would I be doing with my day to day life and why? Perhaps you'd be painting, or writing, or farming, or exploring the Amazon rain forest. Don't hold back.
     
   • What do I want to look back on in my life and say that I never regretted? Would you regret never having traveled abroad? Would you regret never having asked that person out, even if it meant risking rejection? Would you regret not spending enough time with your family when you could? This question can be particularly difficult for some people.
     
   • If you had to choose three words to describe the kind of person you'd love to be, what would those words be? Adventurous? Loving? Open? Honest? Hilarious? Optimistic? Realistic? Motivated? Resilient? Don't be afraid to pick up a thesaurus. Don't be afraid to choose words that are considered negative. Sometimes your traits that others don't like become useful only in emergency situations or are valuable to the job you are meant to perform. If you do have a truly negative trait work on redirecting that energy to something positive. Exercising compensates for many bad habits and there are hobbies for almost every vice. Pole dancing is becoming a hobby! Don't wash your clothes much? Try camping.
     
   
   
5. Write down your answers. Beyond your time alone, it's easy for these thoughts to slip to the back of your mind and be forgotten. If you have them written down, then every time you reflect, you can review your notes and take it a step further, instead of answering the same questions all over again.
   
6. Act upon your newly discovered knowledge. Do the things that you want to do! Pick up those water-colors. Write a short story. Plan a trip to Mombasa, Mt Kenya, a walk at Nairobi Safari Walk. Have dinner with a family member. Start cracking jokes. Open up. Tell the truth. Whatever it is that you've decided you want to be or do, start being and doing it now.
   
7. Be ready for dead ends. Finding yourself is a journey, not a destination. A lot of it is trial and error. That's the price you pay in return for the satisfaction you receive: More often than not, you hit a bump in the road, and sometimes you fall flat on your face. Be prepared to understand and accept that this is a part of the process, and commit to getting right back up and starting over. It's not going to be easy - it never has been for anybody - but if you learn to see that as a chance to prove how much you want to find yourself, then you'll find fulfillment and security in your pursuit. When you are yourself, everyone will respect you more and treat you kindly. Best of all, you will always feel good about yourself.
   

Tips

• Love many, but trust few; always paddle your own canoe.
  
• You're never as bad or as good as people say.
  
• Resist the urge to feel like you're the only one going through this:All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naive. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself. ~ Ralph Ellison, "Invisible Man"
  
• Be yourself and make sure no one influences who you are. It will make finding yourself even harder since people are influencing who you think you are.
  
• Don't be afraid to sleep on it. There's no hurry in making decisions, and you'll be more likely to make good ones if your mind is calm and rested.
  
• Be forgiving and learn to let go.
  

Warnings

• Don't spread bad gossip or otherwise speak ill about other people. Knocking others down is not the path to self-knowledge. It only compromises your dignity as a human being and makes others dislike you.
  
• Do not let others decide for you what you are destined to do. Their path may not be the correct path for you. What works for one person may not work for the next.
  
• Don't lie to yourself and try to be someone you are not. Remember this is about being yourself. As it is important to not let family members decide, it is also important not to let society and the media push you in a certain direction, especially when it comes to your physical appearance.
  
• Don't let yourself get caught up in a habit of constantly changing who you are or how you act just to fit in.
  
• Don't feel you have to prove your worth to the world.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Go for Your Dreams
  
• How to Be Yourself
  
• How to Let Someone Go
  
• How to Accomplish a Goal
  
• How to Switch Careers
  
• How to Recreate Your Life
  
• How to Build Character and Integrity
  
• How to Adjust to Being a Girl when You've Always Wanted to Be a Guy
  
• How to Be a Rebel
  
• How to Be Happy With Who You Are
  
• How to Be Big and Beautiful
  
• How to Cope With Being Small
  
• How to Appear Confident
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Find Yourself. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Boots and Backsides

I am on a rant. There are a number of unresolved issues because this formal part of mourning left a huge amount of anger in me. Not surprising, really. I haven't been able to get back to Baltimore to grieve since I live in another city and can't take time from work. Being a temp pretty much means if I don't work, I don't get paid. A stark reality. I finally called my counseller yesterday to talk. Thank god. I gauge my state by how much I talk to the cars around me as I drive to work. Usually I am pretty good at letting stupid go by me. Not at the moment. So I called and discovered by talking just how angry I am. At the economy, at the behavior of people at the first shiva service, at, well, a lot of things I usually let go and let pass me by. And purr therapy? Well, it works but caring for a cat who refuses to take pain pills and is dying of cancer is hard to relax around. Tigger is/was my main purr therapist. He used to come over, butt into my arm until I made a circle for him to curl up in. Or he would climb onto my chest when I was reading in bed and fall asleep. He is visibly changed now. Smaller, scruffier, and the change is immense. I just started him on the pills after last Thursday's biopsy. Now a week later, he has lost weight and fur condition and is not the massive cat I am used to seeing. But he still gets around, isn't meowing in pain, eats like a pig and drinks water. Not being a pet whisperer and cat psychic, I don't really "know" what he is feeling. I can only observe. So yes, I am tense, I am ready to boot a backside just to get some of the anger out. And I know that attitude is not who I am. It is a reflection of what I am going through. And it is a part of the road to mourning. And will be a part of the road from mourning. Life is a journey, death a destination and we are given much along the way....

May all beings know peace.

Renewal and Sitting Shiva

We renew a lot of things during our lives. Insurance policies, lawncare, contracts with landlords, phones all have renewal policies. Cancel is not a pretty word. Either to hear or to say. We renew vows of love on anniversaries and Valentines' Day. Renewal is a two faced word. It is all about making a choice to start over and refill our safety net we weave each day in relationships we have with friends and things around us. So how do we handle renewal of soul when we are unable to mourn with people around us. Sitting shiva for Bess is tough. Tough because we don't know the people who are coming to comfort us. Are they friends of Bess's, members of the synagogue or caring people at all? Or are they voyeurs in the business of grieving? Do they come instead to gawk at the things in Bess's life and exude envy as they point and stare? It is impolite to stare at any time and especially when prayers are going on in one room and we have to keep watch not only on the Rabbi but on the people supposedly coming to sit with us. Perhaps people no longer know their manners. That's a slam we usually say of young people. But these people who stare are over 60 and some are over 70 and a few are up over 90. You would think someone would have pulled them aside and said, "enough." I plan to put up large signs when I die about how to behave. No pointing, no nasty asides about the people who are actually there to grieve. Nothing to distract from the process of processing a loss. I probably should have a written waiver that if someone says they will behave and doesn't will be invited to leave immediately by someone who is allowed to put a boot up their backside. Since when do mourners need bodyguards? It is a sad time. Much gets revealed when we lose someone. Ugly, sublime, coddies and dairy platters. All of it is part of the swirl of life and death. And renewal? That will have to be a personal journey, at least for me. Communities ... communal grieving ... well, it is as good as the trust that is involved, isn't it? Tough. I will keep you posted on how to find renewal as I find it along the path. Life is a bumpy road...sometimes the landing is hard to deal with than the view at the top of the bump. Sometimes the view is better. Up and down....

Hmmmm, shoulder pads and stock market buys

All I need now is for the 40s fashions to come back...the shoulder pads are sure handy in distributing the load. Perhaps those clowns who say god won't give you more than you can handle are the ones who came up with shoulder pads in clothing for those who live in tough times. High fashion reflects the eras. Shoulder pads for the 30s and 40s. None for the 20s. Shoulder pads came back briefly in the 80s. Common wisdom indicates that as the stock market plunges the fashions change. Today's shoulder pads seem to be in hair styles. Instead of straight and smooth, some fashion mavens are talking about fluffing up the hair since we can't do anything about fluffing up the economy. Thank god I am not a fashionista. My hair is fluff-less. It snarls instead. So the hair equivalent of shoulder pads won't work for me. What will I do? Probably buy stock in shoulder pads. Anybody know their NASDAQ number?

Well Meaning Clowns and ...

The well-meaning clowns among us say that god never gives you more than you can handle.
Yup. That's why I have a well-developed phobia about clowns. The cream pie in the face routine is funny to watch. Not funny or fun to live. Two hours after Bess died, I heard the biopsy results for my cat Tigger. Squamous cell cancer is a clown I never heard of before. SCC is lethal to cats when it presents in the mouth. Palliative care is the best we can do for them. I run towards a fight and I am running towards this one with one hand wrapped around the pain meds and the other squishing up food for him to eat. As long as the fight is in the cat, I will fight with him.

Thank God for my Mom-in-Law

Bess would have cringed to be called a mom-in-law. June Cleaver she wasn't. She died on Monday, February 23rd.. Not suddenly as she would have wished. Hers was tough stuff. A death fought by every tube, every breathe and every eye blink. Very very hard. Frankly, June Cleaver is not now and never will be in Bess's weight division. Bess was a heavyweight for all her tiny size at the end. Her sense of looking the dragon of reality right in the face and raising the metaphorical fist to it...legendary. Absolutely legendary. Overwhelming in love. Overwhelming in all ways. Tough lady, you are missed and you always will have a place in my heart. Always. Flights of angels with gleaming swords came to offer you a place among them. The EMTs of the air. Blessings always...

Thank God for Cats

Thank God for cats and companion animals. Yesterday's encounter (see post below) was upsetting. So instead of crying or doing other bad things, I got a comfort meal from McDonald's and came home to my furry therapists. And purr therapy works. Add in a good book and sleep, stir gently and now I am ready to go to the cattery in a better mood. Renewed.

Training Fleas

I get to see all sorts of people as I work as a temp. Temping is the new field hand role. No one has to hire me. I have my own people. But I don't have my own economic fortress to go home to if I don't like where I am placed. The last two weeks were a real education in that. I spent a lot of money I didn't have to "live up" to my temp reps standard. I like eclectic clothes. Plaid skirts, turtleneck sweater and jackets on top are my usual office attire. I got placed into a firm where pencil skirts, button down shirts and office style jackets are the standard. Basically, I was told the new client liked uniforms. So I spent on an office uniform. And it looked as good as anything I have ever worn to an office. Sigh. But even so, I was treated like a fifth wheel and someone who was not trusted and not needed. Not by the bosses, they were sweet. As for training? The secretary couldn't train a pet flea. And she certainly didn't train me.

Training fleas, please............

Lighting the way

Isn't it always the way? Once the festival of lights is over and all the neighbors' holiday lights are packed away, I get gloomy because of the winter darkness. Today I have looked up some of the ways to combat darkness with lights designed to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D.). Gotta love those acronyms......

Here is the link http://www.livingincomfort.com/verilux.htm

Other less expensive solutions are Vitamin D as well as 5HTP. Both moderate mood swings.

Unwholesome Glee

I am no saint. Yesterday, I heard that Dick Cheney was in a wheelchair because he hurt his back moving boxes at his McLean home. And it reminded me of a page from the Jewish Daily Prayer Book....

• The Gods We Worship. Through prayer we struggle to experience the Presence of God. Let us be sure that the One we invoke is the Most High, not a god of battles, of state or status or 'success' -- but the Source of peace and mercy and goodness. For, truly: "The gods we worship write their names on our faces, be sure of that. And we will worship something -- have no doubt of that either. We may think that our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of the heart -- but it will out. That which dominates our imagination and our thoughts will determine our life and character. Therefore it behooves us to be careful what we are worshipping, for what we are worshipping we are becoming." (Page 240. Shabbat Meditation, Gates of Prayer.)
  

And the sins of what you sanction will be something you bear on your back forever.

Fascinating

I read things quickly and sometimes miss the critical parts of the whole. It can be a source of amusement when it is something like the notice of who is making vet runs out at FOHA. For about a week I was thinking that the dog run people were competing in long distance runs like the marine marathon. Then I realized all at once that the dog people were merely putting individuals on call to take animals to the vet. Therefore, vet runs. Ah, the perils of reading lite...

Interesting transformations through integrity

Monday, January 19th, I helped out at the cattery. Talking with other volunteers who have similar interests is always inspiring. Working with animals is a bond that over comes a lot of antipathy and competition because we are there for the animals. We are not there to show off. Actually, some of the volunteers do come out to show off but it is easy to spot who is real and who is not. Much easier than in the work world. Showing up and thawing food on a day when the food shed froze solid is not a competition on how awesome you are ... it is just a fact of life. Just doing the job of the moment ... no matter how tough, how smelly and how tired you are. Here is the latest Tarot card for Monday that really gets into this attitude:

• The King of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in personal power. I inspire transformation, respect and support by discrete but charismatic example and tolerance. I am an instrument for dynamic, responsible, or passionate expansion that serves or protects the greater good of my legacy. I am a master of the universe and I am empowered with a reputation of experience, credibility and momentum and I transform through integrity.

Riding the Wave...Living the Dream

Obama was sworn in on January 20th. What a day! The Ups and Downs of life. Truly a balancing act. Here is the Cancer OM horoscope to commemorate that day

• 
  
• January 20, 2009
• Staying Afloat
• Riding the Wave of Life
• Our lives are continually in motion, buoyed by the wave that is the universe’s flow. As the wave rises and falls, we are carried forward, through life’s high and low points. The universe’s flow may take us to a place in life where we would rather not be. As tempting as it can be to fight the direction and size of this wave that propels us, riding the wave is intended to make life easier. When you ride the wave, your life can evolve naturally and with minimal effort. Riding the wave, however, is not a passive experience. It is an active process that requires you to be attentive, centered, and awake. You must also practice stillness so you can flow with, rather than resist the wave’s motion.
  
  Because life is dynamic and always changing, it is when we try to make the wave stand still or resist its direction that we are likely to get pulled under by its weight. If you try to move against the wave, you may feel as if you are trapped by it and have no control over your destiny. When you reach a low point while riding the wave and find your feet touching bottom, remember to stay standing so that you can leap forward along with the wave the next time it rises. Trying to resist life’s flow is a losing proposition and costly because you waste energy.
  
  Riding the wave allows you to move forward without expending too much of your own efforts. When you ride the wave, you are carried by it and your head can “stay above water” as you go wherever it takes you. It can be difficult to trust the universe and let go of the urge to fight life’s flow, and you may find it easier to ride the wave if you can stay calm and relaxed. Riding the wave will always take you where you need to go.

One more burden gone

Thank God, Bush is back in Texas. I wish him well and hope he is right about his place in history. Lord knows after 9/11, I was heartened by his forceful address to Congress about how we were going to get through the crisis. I grew to hate him, though, after all his policies of waterboarding, extraordinary rendition, invading the wrong country, misuse of the state National Guards, lack of oversight allowed within federal agencies from the EPA, USDA and others, culminating in the Wall Street disasters because there were no regulators watching carefully. By the end, I couldn't listen to the man without hitting something. I simply was that mad at him. I don't have to be that way now. I just hope I don't have that kind of hate festering again with anyone else. It weighed me down. But now, buoyed up by hope, by Obama, by change...we will see

TGFA

Thank god for the inAugural. It was a long time coming. Too long. Perhaps we can legislate a quicker transfer of power. Perhaps that would be a bad idea because whoever wins will need the time to get a team in place. Obama has made this look like a duck in water. And of course, the part we see of the duck is calm but there are whirling legs paddling like crazy below our view. The next four years will need all the power that duck paddle can give it. C-Span was asking people if they thought we had too high an expectation for Obama. I fear so. It has taken a long time for us to get into this fix. Economically since the Reagan voodoo economics in the 1980s. Morally since the Vietnam/Watergate era. Nationally we have had heart cancer and have not dealt kindly with one another since the assassinations of the 1960s -- there are so many. Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, JFK and RFK. The loss of so many soldiers through out the 50 years since 1960. We have lost faith, lost hope, lost our way. When god no longer answers, government no longer cares, it becomes a national theme to take care of number one. Not our brothers, not our animals, not our environment. You can call it enlightened self interest or greed. Whatever it is, I hope that with the new president we will see one another and our responsibilities to each other as well as ourselves in the clarity of the 'now.'

Perhaps there will be peace

High Heel Shoes

Wow! My respect for Michelle Obama is high anyway but after watching her stand at the parade podium and wave for the bands while still in her high heels is inspiring. Strong arches, strong woman, good Under-Standing.....

Watching Animal Planet with my Cats

Oh good grief...my cats like to watch tv with me. At least the boys cats do. This afternoon though my elusive girl cat came down to watch Animal Planet Dogs 101 with me. That is just plain weird. Sweet, but weird....

Pride and the Elizabethan Collar

Cats are like teenagers. They hate being laughed at. And yet, what is funnier than a cat with an Elizabethan collar on. So today, I decided not to laugh and told the cat that the collar (which was blue) was actually a super cat cape. IDK if the cat believed me or not but wouldn't it be better to treat them as the super heros they really are rather than laugh at them....

TTNF

Going to a Peace Rally at the JCC

Oh, Good Grief....here is an event I really don't want to go to. I am just not the rally girl for causes. I would rather work for those affected by the problem than march or rally to show my support for it. But in the case of Israel v. Gaza, I am conflicted. I truly am. I would no more tolerate anyone lobbing bombs at me and mine than the Israelis do. I would fight tooth and nail to protect those I love. So I understand them. On the other hand, the civilians in Gaza are motivated by the same fierce defense of their own. And why not? Why go after Hamas and create more enemies? Why? I disagree with the concept of war. If you must fight, make it fast and final. Don't leave anyone behind alive to hit you again. But this kind of war is horrible for both sides. Everyone suffers. I know it sounds weird for someone who converted to Judaism to say this but I believe in Peace Now. No settlements on the west bank. A state for the palestinians. And working on keeping other influences from intruding on the two sides. It will never happen. Not now. And it is sad. Both sides have vibrant and caring backgrounds. But when loved ones are killed in senseless conflict, there is no peace. Not unless there is a miracle. Let's pray for a miracle and work for peace.

Oh, Good Grief, The Horoscope Hits Home Again

No wonder I brought in lots of extra coffee, cookies and creamer today. Not to mention rearranged the kitchen. This article from my Cancer Daily Horoscope says it all.

• January 18, 2009
• Lost in Beauty
• Cancer Daily Horoscope
• Your creativity can serve you well today, whether you are endeavoring to complete a professional project or concentrating your attention on a hobby from which you derive pleasure. You may find yourself infusing everything to which you apply yourself with an atmosphere of artfulness that affords others a unique opportunity to appreciate beauty in everyday objects. The main beneficiary of your imaginative labors, however, will likely be you, as your devotion to loveliness ensures that your thoughts remain positive and upbeat at all times. You may also enjoy expanding your horizons through creative activities today, and the curiosity that blossoms within you as you create can become the seed of a lifelong quest for beauty.
  
  It is easy to put aside worldly cares when we lose ourselves in the beauty we are capable of creating, using little more than our imaginative minds. Our thoughts naturally revolve around all that is good and true rather than the challenges that are circumstantially thrust upon us in our daily lives. Because we are immersed in the rushing flood of the creative flow, we have little time or energy to devote to topics that fall outside of the range of our imaginations. The world is a much more pleasant place when we observe it through perception that is colored by our innovative vantage points. We can appreciate the loveliness that is inherent in simply living, without giving regard to the tension that is an established part of being. Your creativity will make the world seem like a brighter place today.

Bursting with Life, Bursting with Love, Living with Death

Life for the cats in the FIV house is really good. We offer care, love and sanctuary for cats who otherwise get euthanized routinely in vet offices. Uneducated vets kill for the best of their reasons. FIV is contagious. To control it, you kill the vector. A cat carries FIV - so the thinking goes - so the cat needs to be put down. It is not my philosophy though. My experience is that FIV cats are the happiest, sweetest, kindest, full of life animals I have ever met. When I sit in the FIV house, I am covered with cats within minutes. Covered. It seems odd that cats with FIV are so loving and yet when I consider it further....most cats with FIV are formerly feral cats. Feral cats get into fights and the virus is spread in saliva. My guess is that the friendliest cats are the ones who get bitten and therefore get the virus. How sad is that? Very sad. The friendlier the cats, potentially the sicker they may be. There is a correlation here. I hope that this is not the case with the little kitten I am so worried about. I really do. For such a young animal to be so bursting with live, love and death...is quite an impact. And I have to hold to the 'bumpy road' nostrum from Buddhism. Life is a bumpy road. The view from the top is breath-taking (like last week with the rescue of the kittens) and the subsequent bump to the rump is part of the same package.

Until all beings know peace, may peace be

Learning to potentially let go

Last week at the cattery was all about redemption and saving. One of our volunteers was contacted by a woman who needed support rescuing kittens from a farm where she boarded her horses. The man was abusive. Very abusive. Fact, not fiction. When you kill kittens to feed the bodies to your goats, that goes beyond any comprehension I have about cruelty. When you punch a horse in the head while a farrier looks on, that's documentable. I do not know the individual's name. I do believe that these kittens were abused because of how they looked when they came in. So while triumph enveloped me last week about rescuing the kittens, reality came home earlier this week when one of the kittens tested mildly positive as an FIV-L cat. The L stands for leukemia. I didn't realize at first just how bad FIV-L is. I didn't realize how contagious it is. I didn't realize how lethal it is. If an adult has it, there is a 3 year life expectancy. If a kitten acquires it, perhaps a year is the best anyone can hope for life wise. It is a crying shame. And it makes me stop and think about fragile life is and how little any one of us can control what happens. So, of course, my first reaction was denial. Of course, a kitten bursting with so much love will be fine. But no, that is not always the case. I will just continue to hold the little one in my heart while we wait the 60 days until the retest and the verdict. Life is about death and death is about life. It is two sides of the same coin. But sometimes it is hard to handle.

Until peace, may we all know peace.

Om Glasses

My mom died 9 years ago this month. Some of the things she left behind echo a bygone era. One of those is the crystal glasses for those gala dinners. Weird to me because she lived in a small town in Ohio. How many galas were there? But the 40s, 50s and 60s demanded formal dining. The odd thing is that just now I realized that her initials also spell OM. Go figure...on two points. How odd is it that the OM predicts my ultimate taking refuge in Buddhism and odder still that it took 8 years for me to realize the spelling was OM? Very odd. But then, considering I live backwards, it took me a while to figure that out.

OM

But

Best three letters in the English language and funniest are b-u-t. It can be used to counter an argument, it can be made into a joke by just adding one extra 't' and certainly I use it a lot.

Hindsight

The old adage says, "Hindsight is 20-20." No kidding. But living backwards isn't hindsight. It is living being surprised by the moment, living without a plan for the future that is in 5 year increments, it is waking up. At least, that is how living backwards is for me. I am always surprised by my place in the world. I was surprised to be a parent so I hated the responsibility of always having to be 'in charge.' I was surprised to have worked at a law firm for 15 years so I hated the responsibility of the commute, being there on time, self correcting typos, dressing the part. And I am surprised that I didn't see it then -- only now. Some folks back 5 years ago, kept telling me (then 52 years old) to grow up. Now I realize they were calling me to my true self -- not growing up but be-coming. Waking up. Ahh, now I get it. Re-flection. There must be a meaning that relates to history or mulling. In Judaism it is called return. Return to the soul. Return to G-d. In Buddism is it calling out the Buddas' name and hearing him/her call back to you in response. In universal terms, it is knowing there is a circle, being a part and then recognizing you are a part of the whole. Stay focused. Use the eyes of the head, the heart and the soul. 360 vision. It works if you are a clam with eyes around your head or if you are Janus-like and see backwards and forwards.


Blessings for today. Stay warm.

Janus

The Romans had a god of doorways called Janus. He looked back and forward. Here is a link that will explain more if you are interested. www.pantheon.org/articles/j/janus.html I bring this up because January is named for this god and for a more personal observation. I seem to live my life backwards. I back into parking spaces far better than I pull forward into them. I had my kids way late in life. I am finding my way career-wise in my late 50s. I am becoming more organized late in life as well. I observe others on this path we call life. Others who start strong knowing what they are going to do and aiming themselves directly at their perceived targets. On the other hand, my meandering way has many benefits. It has taught me how to deal constructively with frustration. My buddhist magazine, Triangle, talks about how to deal with goals and targets and frustrations. See January's issue for the article. It summarizes fairly what I have learned in 57 years here. Dealing on the level of equanimity is not easy though. It takes mindful vigilance to weight what is and what is not a stumbling block in my way. No jumping to conclusions, no taking on more guilt, no taking on more responsibility, no, no and no. On the other hand, it is not a recipe for staying indoors to keep out of getting into life. It emphasizes working in the midst of life while staying steady and accepting and working towards setting my path towards helping others. Not towards helping myself. The focus is not me. And perhaps that is why I have found backing into things easier than going into them directly. In taking care of cats, I have found peace. And I never expected to find it. I just hoped to make a difference for them. I never figured it would make a difference for me. Who knew! Clearly, Buddha did. Clearly my daughter who teased me when I said I backed into parking spaces better than I did going forward into them that I was describing a metaphor of my life. Me? Not a clue. Epiphany on Saturday. Living my life like Janus who looks backwards and forwards and yet remains in the middle is my goal now. Pax

There is something about Fear

There is something about fear that kicks up my negativity. When I am scared, I start to doubt myself and others. Never the cats, though. Never the universe...well, mostly never the universe. When I am really on a negative kick, I can even doubt that any good things happen. That's when I know to do a full on meditation session in a circle of stones that I have collected over the years for protection. It takes a while to work though. So the best thing for me to do is blog every day and look back to see that I have had good days, I have had bad days and that they both balance each other out.

My horoscope for today says roughly the same thing.

Releasing Negativity Try not to dwell on unpleasant experiences and do everything you can to avoid holding on to negative emotions. When you indulge in self-pity, you only make a bad day worse. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, release the notion that you are a victim, and notice the good that exists in your life.

yum, brownies

Yes, I love brownies. My daughter has discovered a new recipe using peanut butter cups layered between brownie mix. Bliss.

It must be the Moon

It must be the phase of the moon. My daily horoscope is soooo practical. Happily, though, with all the various jobs I have, I just don't have the time to drool about what I want. It is as much as I am worth to pay for what I need and have time to go find it at a good price.

Logical, Sensible, and Practical
Cancer Daily Horoscope

• Today your sensible side may come to the forefront, helping you logically assess things like financial responsibilities. You may find yourself being practical rather than whimsical in a variety of situations. This can be very helpful in dealing with practical matters, but you want to be sure to balance these considerations with your heart and spirit as well. There are times when the sensible thing may be something that crushes your spirit, such as paying for additional insurance instead of dance lessons or giving up a vacation to pay off a debt. Today you can sensibly make balanced decisions to lead a full and balanced joyful life.

• Budgeting may enter into such situations, which some find an unpleasant reminder of the things they can't have. However, it is just like choosing how we spend our energy or time. When we make a schedule, we are budgeting those things≈making choices toward the best use of our resources. We may want to remind ourselves of our goals before making such plans to be sure that we make decisions that are in line with who we truly are and who we want to become. This is where heart, mind, and intuition come together to help us make the best choices for our present in order to build our future. Today, though you may be feeling sensible, you can use your senses to make sure that you appreciate the fullness of life and all it has to offer.

Damn this one is depressing

Ok, not all the Tarot.com cards are full of joy and light and happiness. This one today is full of endings and beginnings. And I always cry at endings and beginnings. It is a good thing my daughters aren't getting married anytime too soon. I'd need flood insurance....

But there is some (no, actually, a lot) of truth in today's comment.

• The Tower card suggests that my alter ego today is the Survivor, whose superpower for revolution lies in my epiphany for change, brought on with the aid of a serious reality check.
  
• Today I have reached a turning point. It may be all over but the crying -- but I have the strength to move on and create a better situation for myself.
  
• You may say that I never saw it coming or learned the hard way, but with profound change comes new opportunity. One door closes -- another opens.
  
• So tear down the wall, and rebuild anew.

My hope is that this reflects what I have gone through since June in my stubborness about not working at a mega law firm again. Not working down town. Not really working in law-cum-law at all. Hopefully, changes came while I worked at the cattery. Hopefully, changes came while I worked at my first temp job. Hopefully, I havfe learned the lesson I need to survive a turning point. Hope...

Emotional Availability

One of the difficulties I have in life is to 'be' there. When I work with one of our cats who has control issues, I have to remind myself that I am on 'cat' time which does not recognize that constant mantra in my head of 'wash floors, do it now.' If I listen to the cat, and not the voice in my head, I will be able to help him/her. If I listen to the voice in my head, I get antsy and the cat picks up my tension and claws/bites at me. I have a lot of incentive to listen to the cat instead. It is a good way to keep my focus on the 'now.'

I just found a tarot.com card that describes emotional availability and perhaps that is what is happening with me and the cat. Lowering my drawbridges to allow access...

• The King of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in emotional availability.
  
• I inspire, protect and nurture with reliable compassion, respect, and affection. I am a master in the art and am secure enough in my role to connect to, express and pursue my hearts desire while defending the greater good of those who rely on me.
  
• I am empowered by consistency and patience while trust is my gift or Holy Grail.

I am not sure that trust is a holy grail except in the notion that I always have to seek after it. But I am sure trust is a two way gift we all give each other. When the cat sensing I am available, he/she relaxes and ultimately heals. We all know what happens when we don't listen. We get scratched and bite by whatever is lying in our way.

Until peace comes, know peace

SeaBee Squirrels

Wait ... There's More Insight from Daily Om

I mean ... who knew that these ezines would be so instructive? Not I! It is amazing. And it is shamelessly cribbed..... The reason I say it is instructive is that I have felt horrible this week with the cold sore from hell. 1 centimeter across. It even impressed the doctor when I walked in and mumbled what was wrong. I took the first dose of medicine less than 4 hours ago and do not expect it to start to work until tomorrow. Nevertheless, my energy is back and I tore the house apart and put it back together again making sure that like things were with like things. That may not make sense until you realize that my office occupied two floors. I am not a big operation. I just never thought to bother with having the computer, printer and fax on the same table, let alone on the same floor. Talk about complicating my life. You are now in touch with the queen of making the simple into the impossibly complex. That is my life and I have a goal now. Simplify the physical as I have simplified the soul side of me. And I am pretty ok inside....not perfect, not without stress, but realizing that life is a bumpy road and the view from the top of the bump is sometimes worth the pain of the ride.
Namaste

Inner Seclusion For Reflection
Cancer Daily Horoscope

• You may find yourself pulling your energy inward, seeking seclusion within yourself. The need for inner reflection may make you feel private and introspective. Perhaps you have not been paying attention to your inner guidance, so you have been given this opportunity to create balance between your inner and outer worlds. It may be helpful to seclude yourself physically as well as emotionally by finding a peaceful and nurturing place to spend some time. This may mean retreating to your bedroom or a garden. You may find yourself drawn to places of spiritual observance where the atmosphere is already created for peaceful inward reflection. Once you have cleared away all distractions, you will likely find what your inner self seeks today.
  
  You can create a new atmosphere in familiar places by lighting candles, burning incense, or playing soothing music. By making a slight shift in your outer world, you indicate to your body and mind to also shift within. Following your senses inward, you can then focus on your breathing and let your thoughts drift by, listening for the silence. From this place of stillness you will find your connection to the universe’s energy. You may be nourished just by being in its presence, or perhaps you will want to release an intention into the stillness, creating a ripple of energy that will lead to the creation of your desire. Inspiration may come to you, giving you something to take with you into the world. By following your desire to go inward today, you renew your connection to self and the universe.

Extremely Useful Information -- Daily Om Again

1. A Separate Reality
2. Disconnecting from the Source
3. We all experience periods where we feel separated from the loving ebb and flow of the universe. These times of feeling disconnected from the source may occur for many reasons, but self-sabotage is the most common cause for us choosing to cut ourselves off from the flow of the universe. We purposefully, though often unconsciously, cut ourselves off from this flow and from the embrace of humanity so we can avoid dealing with painful issues, shun the necessary steps for growth, or prevent the success that we are afraid of achieving from ever happening. When you choose to disconnect from the source, you block the flow of the universe’s energy from passing through you. You become like a sleepwalker who is not fully awake to life, and your hopes, plans, and dreams begin to appear as distant blurs on a faraway horizon. Universal support has never left you, but if you can remember that you became disconnected from source by choice, you can choose to reconnect.
   
   Reconnecting with the universe grounds you and is as easy as you making a concerted effort to become interested in the activities you love or responding to what nurtures or stimulates you. You may also want to make a list of the activities and kinds of experiences that touch your soul. Try to pinpoint the times when you have felt fully engaged and aware and ask yourself what you were doing. But one of the easiest ways to reconnect is simply by stating the intention of doing so.
   
   When you disconnect from the universe, your sense of purpose, creativity, and ability to be innovative are not as easy to access. You may also experience a deep and empty sense of longing or feel devoid of ideas or unworthy of love. It’s important, however, to recognize that being disconnected from the universe is never a permanent state, and it can be reversed any time you decide that you are ready to reconnect. When you are connected to the universe, all aspects of your being will feel alive as the flow of the universe pours through your being and into your life.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Daily Tarot.com or Ain't It Da Truth:

• The Six of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in transition.
  
• I have what I need and am willing to trust the process order to move on, seek refuge or new opportunity.
  
• I'm not willing to remain where my perceptions are invalidated but being vulnerable I must rely on guidance to move in a new direction or trust that I can make it or be led to security and new hope. 'Wherever you go, there you are.'
• I am empowered by perseverance and my virtue is survival.

God knows, I am stubborn. Often, too stubborn for my own good.... So as this year unwinds today's comment reminds me to live in the solution, not wind myself up in false dreams I need to let go. And learn to trust that I will be led to an answer, to security and to new hope.

Until then, may all beings know peace

Growing the Human Heart in Inhuman Times

Times are hard. I have never had as little money in my bank account and as many bills and as few hours to work. It is scarey. And yet, my fallback work at the cattery moves on apace. I worked there 6 hours today and found peace and exhaustion. Six hours is more physical work than I have done in a while. If ever. I am a desk person. And yet...if this paid more...I'd eat raw meat to work there full time and have the strength. We have kittens who need socializing. We have older cats who need to learn trust. We have cats who need to learn to trust, period. We have plenty of physical work to do -- cleaning litter pans, washing bowls, feeding, giving medications, washing laundry for the cats and dogs and then folding it up and finding space for it to go. And yet, the most important thing we do there is 'listen'. Listen for the cough. Listen for the muted growl which presages a bite. Listen to other workers in the same financial position I am in or worse. Listen to the kittens squealing happily as they tear down the stacks of clean sheets in the isolation room where they are at the moment. Listen. If there is one thing we have forgotten to do in this country with the war, with the financial situation, with the Bush administration, is listen to one another. What we have done instead (character assassinations passing as conversation) is not listening. Listening means opening your ears which lead to your heart. Listen. Listen. Listen to the rain, listen to the sleet as it falls, listen to the cats snore, listen to the dogs bark. Listen to peace and find peace inside yourself. Namaste.

Tarot.com Strikes again

I was just typing a note to myself on strategy for the 2009 year. How to make lemonade 101. And now this email arrives from Tarot.com. Carpe Diem....

• The Seven of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in seizing the day. I step in, recognize, or create opportunities to take it to the next level and communicate leadership or earn respect through performance. I am empowered to rise to the occasion by a window of opportunity and I transform through motivation.

It is fascinating how my life aligns with these emails.

Consolation

What consoles me? Working with the cats. The good news is that I get paid to work with them and I am welcome out at the cattery anytime I can come and help. They will be seeing a lot of me until I find a place to rest. Who knows when LPI will come through? I sure don't. Who knows when I will become fully employed again? Same answer. I have never thought life was supposed to be easy. I have worked intensely at my jobs. I have driven long hours to get to and from work. I have grudged every minute of it. These last few months have been soul-filling. Blessings, really, in disguise. The next step then is to take a long look at how to get a job which I can manage without getting an asthma attack or a migraine. I need to take a step back and ask whether I want to be a rat in the rat race or find another type of administrative work which will allow me to work at my pace or even faster than my pace but which will not stress me out as much. As H would say, 'good luck with that.' Consolation comes at a price. And given the family, I don't have the luxury of saying 'no' to work...even work that I hate.

What I know

What I know from my talk this afternoon with D. is this...I need to call LPI and see about getting a position downtown. Even though I don't want to work downtown, even though I am scared of messing up because of inattentiveness which has plagued me all my working career, even though I am damaged in ways I cannot put in words by the way I was treated by my former law firm for 15 years.

The way I react to it now (after the fact) is what is important and what Mel and I need to work on. It took me 6 whole months to realize that this is why I have stalled on going back to work in any law firm. Even though LPI got me an interview with OP, I shied away in the interview. The first job I have gotten excited about is the one I just applied to as a Legal Administrator to a firm that would need me to drive from Arlington to Harrisonburg, Virginia on an 'as needed' basis. But D. is right. We don't have family health coverage that's affordable on COBRA. It is now $1,800+ a month and that's unsustainable. Grant me the grace to see my place in how to manage this paradigm shift in my thinking.

Faces of Fear and Noise

Another Amazingly Accurate Essay from Daily OM

Working Through Silence
Noise as a Distraction

Our lives are typically filled with noise. There are the noises from the outside world that we cannot control, and there are the noises we allow into our lives. These noises, from seemingly innocuous sources like the television and radio, can actually help us avoid dealing with uncomfortable thoughts and emotions. However, using noise as a distraction hurts more than it helps because you are numbing yourself to what may be internally bubbling up to the surface for you to look at and heal. Distracting yourself with talk-radio, television, or other background noises can also prevent you from finding closure to issues that haunt you.

Noise as a distraction can affect us in many ways. It can help you stay numb to emotions that you don’t want to feel, allow you to avoid dealing with problems, distract you from having to think, and make it easier for you to forget reality. Drowning out the thoughts and emotions you find uncomfortable or overwhelming can complicate your issues because it allows them to fester. By tuning out noise and relishing silence, you create the space to experience and express what you are hiding. It is only then that self-exploration can begin in earnest and you can stare down frightening issues. In silence, it becomes easier to let your strongest feelings come forth, deal with them, and find new ways of resolving your problems.

When you go within without the veil of noise to shield you from yourself, you’ll be able to figure out what you need to heal. Embracing silence and introspection allows you to work through your thoughts and emotions and transmute them. Free of the need for noise, you can accept your pain, anger, and frustration as they come up and turn them into opportunities to evolve.

• So what was/is it I feared/fear so much that I needed the TV on ... I would have to say solvency, job esteem, a place in society. When I left D., I lost what I perceived as my society status holder. I was no longer a wife. I was no longer a full time mother. I was no longer a part of a family that D and I created 21 years ago. And it hurt. It hurt more than I have words to describe it.
  
• When I was let go by S., I lost my job esteem, my solvency, my place in society as a wage earner. The difference now is that instead of TV being on like it was for D., it is quiet around here. Sure, I find other distractions. I read a ton. Really 11 books at a time from the library. Just a ton of reading. And a ton of sleeping. Sure, it helps with the pain. Sure, I need to recharge more often. Sure, stress gives me headaches. But it is also a really good escape from feelings of inadequacy. But I do take time to think as I sit here typing my thoughts in the evening.
  
• Here is what I know. Even though I know I am good, talented, smart as a whip, I still haven't found a full time position. I am working almost every day 4 hour shifts. Either at G or at FOHA. And I am earning a third of what I used to make. No health benefits, no time off, nada, zip.
  
• If I were honest with myself, I'd say I was overwhelmed. I am frozen in fear. But what exactly is at the bottom of the fear? If I can identify it, then I can take a closer look and figure out a way to deal with it. I need to contact the Fairfax County Retraining of Seniors people and see if they can help me identify whether I need to train up to a new career or just find something less challenging. I get overwhelmed thinking that I am a failure if I ask for help and wind up pushing the help away. I will be calling the Skills Group just to see what they would be able to offer me in retraining for another career or assisting me to find something that would help pay my rent and other issues. What I am truly scared of is having to move into low rent housing and having to face my girls and tell them I failed. They need me stable in their lives. I fear being in a new situation. But I suppose having done the tough stuff with D and moving out in 2004, I could do that if need be. After all K is driving now. Pragmatically, this is just stuff to walk through. Grant me the peace of soul and soles to walk this path littered with the sharp rocks of fear.
  

Tarot.com strikes again

The tarot.com website strikes again at the heart of the matter for me and oddly enough explains why I wandered over to G'town yesterday after learning that G___ had found a new person who is starting there Monday. My boss knew, HR knew, LPI knew and everyone expected the other 2 to tell me and help me plan for transition. Who didn't know? Me. I do not deal well with surprises. Probably why, then, when I drove home I took a completely different way. Superstition will tell you that I took a different way so that the vibes and attitudes from that encounter would not follow me home. And, indeed, it worked. By the time I got home, I was better. I was able to face the evening without coming apart and calling everyone under the sun to complain that the system of being a temp worked. I had worked myself, honorably, out of a job. I had found a really standup kind of boss who went to bat for me with HR and fussed at them for dropping the ball on who was to tell me that my services were no longer needed. I was able to call the temp agency and ask 'what's next' and get an answer that was very positive. So this card today tells me I am not done dealing with the aftermath but gives very good advice.

• The Three of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in truth or consequences.
  
• Denial or control is no longer an option and I am ready to experience a breakthrough. My suffering, fear, or emotional loss is/was valid, incredible and deserves to be acknowledged and expressed in order to heal or transform the sacrifice.
  
• I am empowered by recognition and my virtue is choice.

So, does that mean a shift to FOHA? It surely looks like it. Does that mean I apply for the Borders or Barnes & Noble job? It surely looks like that would help as well. I told my faithful lawyer client I was available to work on his projects.

life is one foot in front of the other

If these two guy cats can get along, we all can do it.
Until there is peace, find peace within yourself
Namaste

If cats can, We can

From the Ain't this the truth column

Ain't this Tarot.com the truth today:

• The Queen of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in liberation.
• I radiate or communicate personal power, passion, and allure and am not dragged down by trends.
• I have a bold magical flair and a spirit of innovation and pride. I am secure in my identity or performance and thrive on creating, designing or fostering new or equal opportunities for aesthetic or personal growth, expression or awareness.
• I am empowered with gratitude, attention and reputation to go beyond the call and I transform through exploring or initiating change.

And here I was wondering why I suddenly found an advertisement for a job that just fits my skills in Northern Virginia. Oh, well, not so close. It is actually down in Harrisonburg with lots of commuting to the Northern Virginia office but ... not a bad thing at all.

Let's just see what happens.

Be Well and at Peace

A modest wish of mine is for all people to 'just get along.' This is the tap root of who I am and always have been. So my wish for 2009 is Buddhist in nature....that all of us find peace in ourselves and reach out to make peace with each other.

May All Beings Know Peace

New Year's Wish

• I got an email from a friend of mine at a law firm downtown. It is one of those awful chain emails and promises luck to the sender who then afflicts all of their friends by sending it on to them. And as my friend said in her initial paragraph, 2008 was not a good year for her and she hoped that 2009 would be better. In writing back to her, I had to agree and then discovered I needed to write more on the subject.

• I agree 100% with you. 2008 was a year when things fell apart for a lot of us. I am so glad you found a place at a downtown firm and I hope things will start to pick up after Obama gets sworn in. I truly do. We need more than luck. We need stable strong thoughtful calm leadership. We need to be able to trust again. We really need a miracle and I hope the Obama and his team can do that.to pull this country out of the swamp of corruption and greed that Bush led us into. I have been alive (oh, good grief, I sound ancient but...) through Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush I, Clinton and now Bush II. The shrub (aka Bush II) was just awful.
• Bush claims he will be recalled as a good president. And just maybe he will be remembered in 2,000 years as someone who had to make tough choices. However, he has burdened the United States with a reputation we will spend years getting back, he has run us into so much debt we will not be able to pay it down in my lifetime, his legacy in every single part of his administration has been marked by a reckless abandonment of regulators keeping an eye on things.
• From slaughter houses in California and Kansas, to illegal immigration, to civil liberties being taken away, to the financial meltdown, to drugs from China killing us, to toys being filled with lead, to environmental regulators being told they could not bring up issues that needed to be addressed. He has a lot to answer for and I don't think he will be prosecuted after he leaves office.
• I don't even think Cheney will be prosecuted for making sure we got into Iraq. It is really a monumental screw up of historic proportions. Breathtaking.
• In 2009, we all will get a new start with Obama, new congress, and fresh ideas. I just hope we don't expect too much. There is so much to fix and he is just one guy. But I figure that if FDR could create the New Deal, Civilian Conservation Corp and all the other programs that eventually edged us out of the Great Depression from a wheelchair, then perhaps we can have hope.
• After all, hope was all that was left in Pandora's Box after she opened it the first time. You remember Pandora? According to Bullfinch's Mythology, the gods on Mt. Olympus created her and sent her down to earth. She came with a wedding present -- a box she was not supposed to open. The box supposedly held blessings from all of the gods. Curiosity overwhelmed her and she opened the box letting all the ills which afflict the world out -- except the one that was left behind when she hastily closed the box up again. I can only imagine how horrible that must have been for her. But the myth says that the one blessing left in the box was hope.
• My memory plays tricks on me sometimes but I remember this legend differently at this point. I recall learning that Pandora opened the box again when another of the gods came down to tell her that there was one gift left in the box which would help with all the terrible plagues on mankind. He (perhaps the god was Mercury who was the messenger to all the gods) assured her that hope was in the box and needed to be released. She opened the box again and that is why even with such terrible times as we are having now, we can reach deep inside ourselves and find hope ...
  
  Until peace, may we all know peace and have hope in new beginnings.
  Blessings

Draining Experiences (shameless crib)

December 26, 2008
Helpful, Useful, Supportive

1. Cancer Daily Horoscope
   You may be feeling helpful today, which could find you offering assistance to your workmates or making yourself useful in the kitchen. The underlying motive behind your desire to help is really the desire to support others.
2. An act of support is a gift that is easy and inexpensive to give. It shows caring and the willingness to stand beside those we care about, regardless of the circumstances.
3. Sometimes it is an act of connection between ourselves and another human being. By lending our energy physically to a situation, we also lend our emotional and spiritual energy to make the circumstance something new.
4. Like adding a new ingredient to a recipe, it becomes something different than it would have been otherwise. By adding the uniqueness of yourself to any situation today, you make an impact while offering your support.
5. You may be drawn to be helpful in a situation because you are open and receptive to the need for assistance. Maybe you have the perfect energy to balance a situation or can make it the best it can be.
6. Or you could be drawn to a situation because there is something in it for you. You may not realize it but you could be about to meet someone who could change your life, or you could learn a skill that will come in handy in the future.
7. By following your instincts today, you allow yourself to share your unique qualities while also enriching your own life.

Delayed GratificationCancer Daily Horoscope
Your sense of duty may have you putting your work ahead of your personal life today, leaving you feeling reliable and conscientious.

1. Delayed gratification helps us create order in our lives since we do what needs to be done first so that we may enjoy rewards later. It is the discipline that guided us as children to do our homework before we went outside to play. Applied to our adult lives, it allows us to tend to our responsibilities before we seek out fun activities.
2. But as adults, putting work ahead of our personal lives may mean we ignore the responsibilities of our homes and families for the purpose of making money, and that can create an imbalance in our lives.
3. Today you can make a point of being conscientious toward your highest priorities in order to live a full and balanced life. We can take a moment to make sure that we have our priorities in order of true importance.
4. Though society tends to stress the importance of work, our jobs are certainly not more important than our families. By seeking balance between work and play, rest and recreation, we can make sure that we keep our responsibilities to ourselves and to our loved ones as well as do work that supports them all.
5. When you know what your goals are, you know the direction you need to take and can make changes accordingly to ensure that we live our lives to the fullest, today and every day.
   

A Sidewise Greeting to the World

Solutions to difficult situations come from looking at them in new ways.  Sometimes we need to see the world from a different perspective.  The quickest way to do this is to look through the corner of your eye.  Or tip known objects sidewise and look at them.  Never throw away any creative idea you created in the past.  You never know when it will become a launch pad for another phase of your life.

Until then may all beings know peace and reindeer.  Especially the reindeer.

More to ponder from Tarot.com ... shameless copying

1. The Knave of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in promise.
2. I am bright, edgy, curious and articulate and am developing respect and competence through preparation and practice.
3. I am anxious to be tested or challenged -- but I am not afraid to question authority or participate in the latest craze.
4. I am a perpetual student of learning and try to think before I speak or act.
5. I am empowered by confrontation or opportunity and my virtue is self-restraint.

My Cats and Fish and life in general

1. My cats love to look at my fish. Sadly, the fish aren't happy being watched. Over the past month, though, Freckles started to fish for the fish and drink the water in the tank. I tried everything I could think of. I finally covered the tank with a dark cloth to keep him out but I didn't think about the water being wicked up into the clothe and leaking everywhere. Worse, I didn't realize the dark clothe was not going to leak its dark dye into the water.
2. So last night I changed the fish tank, swapped the fish out of the tank into smaller containers and put them up onto the bookcase with a lamp turned on to keep warm while I heated the water in the cleaned out tank to the right temperature for them again.
3. Success this morning. The fish survived the night, the water warmed to the correct temperature and I threw out the lid which came with the tank because it was unable to keep out the cats. I have now covered the tank with two plastic chopping sheets and moved all the smaller furniture to keep the cats above the fish should they be able to jump up.

I think life is a lot like my cats and fish. I just have to keep working on the details on the job hunt to find something. Refining is not admitting defeat. It is, as am I, a work in progress.

Just for the Record...More Cribbing

From the Shameless Cribbing Network that is me these days....Here is the daily om horoscope.....
The original is in numbered blocks and my riff on them follows with regular formatting....

1. Conditioned ResponseReactions To Life Events. Our experiences color everything. The events of the past can have a profound effect on how we see our lives now and what we choose to believe about our world.
2. Our past experiences can also influence our emotional reactions and responses to present events. Each of us reacts to stimulus based on what we have learned in life. There is no right or wrong to it; it is simply the result of past experience.
3. Later, when our strong feelings have passed, we may be surprised at our reactions. Yet when we face a similar situation, again our reactions may be the same. When we understand those experiences, we can come that much closer to understanding our reactions and consciously change them.
4. Between stimulus and reaction exists a fleeting moment of thought. Often, that thought is based on something that has happened to you in the past. When presented with a similar situation later on, your natural impulse is to unconsciously regard it in a similar light. For example, if you survived a traumatic automobile accident as a youngster, the first thing you might feel upon witnessing even a minor collision between vehicles may be intense panic. If you harbor unpleasant associations with death from a past experience, you may find yourself unable to think about death as a gentle release or the next step toward a new kind of existence.
5. You can, however, minimize the intensity of your reactions by identifying the momentary thought that inspires your reaction. Then, next time, replace that thought with a more positive one.

It is funny how one little article I wrote in the high school national writers competition predicted my life in recovery -- first, from my family and second, from alcoholism. The story concerned hitting the snags of life (aka Habits). Snags are the habits that catch us when we aren't looking. Imagine driving down the road and hitting a 35 pound pig. Disasterous for the pig, bad for the car and terribly upsetting to the folks in the car. Habits are as simple and as profound as that immediate reaction we have to something we like or dislike. They keep us stuck. Buddhism teaches me to hit the pause button -- hopefully before I hit the pig -- before I repeat habitual behavior. It stops me from cutting, drinking, throwing up, giving up and giving in. That pause is a powerful button.

Cribbing again for Inspiration (AKA ain't it the truth)

Oh good grief, my Cancer Daily Horoscope from Daily OM: What Holds You BackCancer Daily Horoscope might have been written just exactly for me. That void that appears after something is done...leaves me breathless. Not a good thing for my asthma and so not a good thing for my fear factor...... Here is what the horoscope says....maybe it is like you too.

1. 
   You might notice a lack of incentive to get things done today, which could cause you to procrastinate. Perhaps you want to consider the reason why you are dragging your heels and putting things off for later; it may be a sign that you are avoiding facing some aspect of yourself that you are not entirely comfortable with.
2. Taking a few minutes to journal about your indolence today can give you some insight into what you do not wish to acknowledge. It might be that you are uncertain what you will do once your tasks are complete, or you may like the feeling of something holding you back in order to escape changes happening in your life.
3. Understanding the reasons behind your procrastination could motivate you to get everything done and might also bring you to greater realizations about the ways in which you live and perceive your life as a whole.
4. When we avoid our obligations it is usually because we are also circumventing something that is uncomfortable in our lives. Acting as if everything is okay or refusing to see what needs to get done is a way for our minds to lull us into a sense of temporary and momentary security.
5. Thoroughly examining your inner self today, however, will give you an inside view into why you need this sense of certainty in the first place and will ultimately lead you away from your fear and instead to insights about how to live more efficiently and with greater courage and awareness.

Twins?

This is Freckles....Really looks like the cat below....at least to me

Picture of Turkish Angora

Just when I figured I would never know what kind of cat Freckles is, I watched a Cats 101 show on Animal Planet. Who knew? I sure didn't. So Turkish Angora cats are considered the 'dogs' of the cat world because of their gregarious nature and habit of greeting visitors. Well, finally something explains why Freckles cuddles up to every shoe left on the floor. If he was any bigger, I believe he would be running off with the shoes or gnawing them to death.

Great Game for Working out Anger

http://charges.uol.com.br/game_ver.php?game_pk=37

Cribbing -- not just homes on MTV

Another really useful source of inspiration is today's OM:

1. You could feel a sense of lack in your life today.
2. You might also feel inadequate and want to purchase or display something of value to feel better about yourself.
3. Your feelings might indicate a need to feel more empowered about your life and develop a deeper appreciation for your own value as a human being. A good way to do this is to help others. You might look into charitable organizations in your area and see if any of them require assistance today. You could donate money or simply share your expertise and talents by performing odd jobs or working on a special project. You might also make an effort to mentally affirm your value as a human being and strengthen your sense of interconnectedness with all living beings.
4. Devoting our time and energy to serving others can strengthen our connection with humanity and help us affirm our own worth. While we might be tempted to quiet feelings of lack by acquiring material objects, this effect is fleeting at best. We would be better served by channeling our energy into helping others.
5. As we devote our time and attention to service, we begin to understand that we are connected to others in profound ways. We also recognize that each of us has value, regardless of our material status. If you channel your feelings of lack into service to others today, you will benefit from a lasting sense of connection while affirming your innate worth.

All these are terrific reasons to think before spending. How we spend our money reflects not only on our bank accounts but on our own energy. What we spend that energy on can be the latest gizmo or the newest kitten at the cattery we are trying to medicate while it tries to bite our fingers. I know which one I will pick...bitten fingers every single time. Those bites remind me I have faced my fears of inadequacy by helping someone (and, yes, animals are someones) other than myself to the feast of life.

Until peace, know peace inside through volunteering

Art of Traction

The Two of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in attraction. I have a vested interest or am committed to sharing my vision, ideals, or game plan in order to make a connection. I am willing to step up because it takes two and I can't win if I don't play. Anything is possible. I am empowered by the passion of my own potential and I transform through self-discipline.

Hammett & Writing (Or how Old is New again)

I really need to brush up on my history reading... Really do. I am brushing up on my regular reading (the books I have meant to try but stayed away from just because they were the classics forced into the modern English courses I took in college). You know the ones, FitzGerald, Steinbeck and of course, Dashiell Hammett. Sorry to say, I still haven't read Steinbeck's classic but as this recession/depression deepens I will give it a whirl. Nothing like current events to validate the gloom of his Dust Bowl classics. FitzGerald and the Great Gatsby is still beyond me. I have read him but don't like his style of writing, no matter how much the teachers point out the way things in the novel reflect various things in the times. That's the problem with the teaching of the classics...the teaching to the philosophy of the times. I don't know what motivates writers to write the way they do. I do know that writing comes out of the back brain and down into the fingers to produce words. Is there conscious thought? Sure. Is there a plan of how the author wants the book to go? Absolutely! But!!! Is there a syllabus that tells the author -- dirt needs to be read as the way the stock market falls and this goes here because of the Great Depression, and that goes there because of the stock market? No. I don't buy it. Which is why I never majored in English. I couldn't spout the gospel according to whatever critic was forming the opinion of the teacher. That's why I went into Humanities and learned to take cultural things evoked in books and spoken of in histories at their face value and not 'read' my modern culture into them. I digress, however. Back to the main point of this note: Nothing could prepare me, however, for Hammett. I picked his work up after exhausting the library of my favorites. And fell in love. Lean prose, punchy dialogue and extremely close watch on what characters did and looked like. Really good background in the history as well. In the Maltese Falcon, for example, I always thought the 'bird' was just a story. Not something that happened in fact. I was wrong. Here is a link to the Knights of Malta (aka Knights of Rhodes, not to be confused with the Knights Templar). http://www.orderofmaltacanada.org/page_e_history.htm. Thank god for google. I would never have had the patience to locate that information in the library. Fascinating history. And his prose on why he has to turn over the woman who killed his partner Miles is evocative of someone who had been through WWI and seen death close up:
"...When a man's partner is killed he'd supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you're supposed to do something about it." (pp. 213-4) Maltese Falcon, First Vintage Crime/Black Lizard Edition, August 1992. First published 1929, 1930 Alfred A. Knopf, Inc.

Hammett served in WWI and it shows in that quote. The quote goes further than that. It shows me that the human urge is to do something when someone is killed. Death affects us all. And when death comes for a partner, it is avenged. Warts and all. Likable or not.


So I will start a collection of Hammett books of my own to come back to for thoughtful inspiration. Thin Man, Continental Op and The Glass Key are the books listed in the back of this edition. I am fascinated that at least two I know of have been turned into movies...Thin Man and The Maltese Falcon. But then I am a movie geek. Until peace, know peace

The concept of Enough

I used to think that enough was a word that described physical objects, as in, "George didn't have enough money for lunch," or "Phyllis has enough carrots to share with George." It was until I read a Hillerman novel that I realized the concept of 'enough' could be used as a philosophical standing. "Enough" vs. "never full." Given everything I've been through in the past 4 years, you'd think that concept would be blindingly obvious to me. But as with many things...fear keeps me from looking too closely. Fear...closing down...never enough. Knowing fear generally means an acceptance of fearful states. Keeping from shutting down is the trick to it.

Self Abnegation

Need to look up this word. Really do.