Boots and Backsides

I am on a rant. There are a number of unresolved issues because this formal part of mourning left a huge amount of anger in me. Not surprising, really. I haven't been able to get back to Baltimore to grieve since I live in another city and can't take time from work. Being a temp pretty much means if I don't work, I don't get paid. A stark reality. I finally called my counseller yesterday to talk. Thank god. I gauge my state by how much I talk to the cars around me as I drive to work. Usually I am pretty good at letting stupid go by me. Not at the moment. So I called and discovered by talking just how angry I am. At the economy, at the behavior of people at the first shiva service, at, well, a lot of things I usually let go and let pass me by. And purr therapy? Well, it works but caring for a cat who refuses to take pain pills and is dying of cancer is hard to relax around. Tigger is/was my main purr therapist. He used to come over, butt into my arm until I made a circle for him to curl up in. Or he would climb onto my chest when I was reading in bed and fall asleep. He is visibly changed now. Smaller, scruffier, and the change is immense. I just started him on the pills after last Thursday's biopsy. Now a week later, he has lost weight and fur condition and is not the massive cat I am used to seeing. But he still gets around, isn't meowing in pain, eats like a pig and drinks water. Not being a pet whisperer and cat psychic, I don't really "know" what he is feeling. I can only observe. So yes, I am tense, I am ready to boot a backside just to get some of the anger out. And I know that attitude is not who I am. It is a reflection of what I am going through. And it is a part of the road to mourning. And will be a part of the road from mourning. Life is a journey, death a destination and we are given much along the way....

May all beings know peace.

Renewal and Sitting Shiva

We renew a lot of things during our lives. Insurance policies, lawncare, contracts with landlords, phones all have renewal policies. Cancel is not a pretty word. Either to hear or to say. We renew vows of love on anniversaries and Valentines' Day. Renewal is a two faced word. It is all about making a choice to start over and refill our safety net we weave each day in relationships we have with friends and things around us. So how do we handle renewal of soul when we are unable to mourn with people around us. Sitting shiva for Bess is tough. Tough because we don't know the people who are coming to comfort us. Are they friends of Bess's, members of the synagogue or caring people at all? Or are they voyeurs in the business of grieving? Do they come instead to gawk at the things in Bess's life and exude envy as they point and stare? It is impolite to stare at any time and especially when prayers are going on in one room and we have to keep watch not only on the Rabbi but on the people supposedly coming to sit with us. Perhaps people no longer know their manners. That's a slam we usually say of young people. But these people who stare are over 60 and some are over 70 and a few are up over 90. You would think someone would have pulled them aside and said, "enough." I plan to put up large signs when I die about how to behave. No pointing, no nasty asides about the people who are actually there to grieve. Nothing to distract from the process of processing a loss. I probably should have a written waiver that if someone says they will behave and doesn't will be invited to leave immediately by someone who is allowed to put a boot up their backside. Since when do mourners need bodyguards? It is a sad time. Much gets revealed when we lose someone. Ugly, sublime, coddies and dairy platters. All of it is part of the swirl of life and death. And renewal? That will have to be a personal journey, at least for me. Communities ... communal grieving ... well, it is as good as the trust that is involved, isn't it? Tough. I will keep you posted on how to find renewal as I find it along the path. Life is a bumpy road...sometimes the landing is hard to deal with than the view at the top of the bump. Sometimes the view is better. Up and down....

Hmmmm, shoulder pads and stock market buys

All I need now is for the 40s fashions to come back...the shoulder pads are sure handy in distributing the load. Perhaps those clowns who say god won't give you more than you can handle are the ones who came up with shoulder pads in clothing for those who live in tough times. High fashion reflects the eras. Shoulder pads for the 30s and 40s. None for the 20s. Shoulder pads came back briefly in the 80s. Common wisdom indicates that as the stock market plunges the fashions change. Today's shoulder pads seem to be in hair styles. Instead of straight and smooth, some fashion mavens are talking about fluffing up the hair since we can't do anything about fluffing up the economy. Thank god I am not a fashionista. My hair is fluff-less. It snarls instead. So the hair equivalent of shoulder pads won't work for me. What will I do? Probably buy stock in shoulder pads. Anybody know their NASDAQ number?

Well Meaning Clowns and ...

The well-meaning clowns among us say that god never gives you more than you can handle.
Yup. That's why I have a well-developed phobia about clowns. The cream pie in the face routine is funny to watch. Not funny or fun to live. Two hours after Bess died, I heard the biopsy results for my cat Tigger. Squamous cell cancer is a clown I never heard of before. SCC is lethal to cats when it presents in the mouth. Palliative care is the best we can do for them. I run towards a fight and I am running towards this one with one hand wrapped around the pain meds and the other squishing up food for him to eat. As long as the fight is in the cat, I will fight with him.

Thank God for my Mom-in-Law

Bess would have cringed to be called a mom-in-law. June Cleaver she wasn't. She died on Monday, February 23rd.. Not suddenly as she would have wished. Hers was tough stuff. A death fought by every tube, every breathe and every eye blink. Very very hard. Frankly, June Cleaver is not now and never will be in Bess's weight division. Bess was a heavyweight for all her tiny size at the end. Her sense of looking the dragon of reality right in the face and raising the metaphorical fist to it...legendary. Absolutely legendary. Overwhelming in love. Overwhelming in all ways. Tough lady, you are missed and you always will have a place in my heart. Always. Flights of angels with gleaming swords came to offer you a place among them. The EMTs of the air. Blessings always...

Thank God for Cats

Thank God for cats and companion animals. Yesterday's encounter (see post below) was upsetting. So instead of crying or doing other bad things, I got a comfort meal from McDonald's and came home to my furry therapists. And purr therapy works. Add in a good book and sleep, stir gently and now I am ready to go to the cattery in a better mood. Renewed.

Training Fleas

I get to see all sorts of people as I work as a temp. Temping is the new field hand role. No one has to hire me. I have my own people. But I don't have my own economic fortress to go home to if I don't like where I am placed. The last two weeks were a real education in that. I spent a lot of money I didn't have to "live up" to my temp reps standard. I like eclectic clothes. Plaid skirts, turtleneck sweater and jackets on top are my usual office attire. I got placed into a firm where pencil skirts, button down shirts and office style jackets are the standard. Basically, I was told the new client liked uniforms. So I spent on an office uniform. And it looked as good as anything I have ever worn to an office. Sigh. But even so, I was treated like a fifth wheel and someone who was not trusted and not needed. Not by the bosses, they were sweet. As for training? The secretary couldn't train a pet flea. And she certainly didn't train me.

Training fleas, please............

Lighting the way

Isn't it always the way? Once the festival of lights is over and all the neighbors' holiday lights are packed away, I get gloomy because of the winter darkness. Today I have looked up some of the ways to combat darkness with lights designed to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder (or S.A.D.). Gotta love those acronyms......

Here is the link http://www.livingincomfort.com/verilux.htm

Other less expensive solutions are Vitamin D as well as 5HTP. Both moderate mood swings.

Unwholesome Glee

I am no saint. Yesterday, I heard that Dick Cheney was in a wheelchair because he hurt his back moving boxes at his McLean home. And it reminded me of a page from the Jewish Daily Prayer Book....

• The Gods We Worship. Through prayer we struggle to experience the Presence of God. Let us be sure that the One we invoke is the Most High, not a god of battles, of state or status or 'success' -- but the Source of peace and mercy and goodness. For, truly: "The gods we worship write their names on our faces, be sure of that. And we will worship something -- have no doubt of that either. We may think that our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of the heart -- but it will out. That which dominates our imagination and our thoughts will determine our life and character. Therefore it behooves us to be careful what we are worshipping, for what we are worshipping we are becoming." (Page 240. Shabbat Meditation, Gates of Prayer.)
  

And the sins of what you sanction will be something you bear on your back forever.

Fascinating

I read things quickly and sometimes miss the critical parts of the whole. It can be a source of amusement when it is something like the notice of who is making vet runs out at FOHA. For about a week I was thinking that the dog run people were competing in long distance runs like the marine marathon. Then I realized all at once that the dog people were merely putting individuals on call to take animals to the vet. Therefore, vet runs. Ah, the perils of reading lite...

Interesting transformations through integrity

Monday, January 19th, I helped out at the cattery. Talking with other volunteers who have similar interests is always inspiring. Working with animals is a bond that over comes a lot of antipathy and competition because we are there for the animals. We are not there to show off. Actually, some of the volunteers do come out to show off but it is easy to spot who is real and who is not. Much easier than in the work world. Showing up and thawing food on a day when the food shed froze solid is not a competition on how awesome you are ... it is just a fact of life. Just doing the job of the moment ... no matter how tough, how smelly and how tired you are. Here is the latest Tarot card for Monday that really gets into this attitude:

• The King of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in personal power. I inspire transformation, respect and support by discrete but charismatic example and tolerance. I am an instrument for dynamic, responsible, or passionate expansion that serves or protects the greater good of my legacy. I am a master of the universe and I am empowered with a reputation of experience, credibility and momentum and I transform through integrity.

Riding the Wave...Living the Dream

Obama was sworn in on January 20th. What a day! The Ups and Downs of life. Truly a balancing act. Here is the Cancer OM horoscope to commemorate that day

• 
  
• January 20, 2009
• Staying Afloat
• Riding the Wave of Life
• Our lives are continually in motion, buoyed by the wave that is the universe’s flow. As the wave rises and falls, we are carried forward, through life’s high and low points. The universe’s flow may take us to a place in life where we would rather not be. As tempting as it can be to fight the direction and size of this wave that propels us, riding the wave is intended to make life easier. When you ride the wave, your life can evolve naturally and with minimal effort. Riding the wave, however, is not a passive experience. It is an active process that requires you to be attentive, centered, and awake. You must also practice stillness so you can flow with, rather than resist the wave’s motion.
  
  Because life is dynamic and always changing, it is when we try to make the wave stand still or resist its direction that we are likely to get pulled under by its weight. If you try to move against the wave, you may feel as if you are trapped by it and have no control over your destiny. When you reach a low point while riding the wave and find your feet touching bottom, remember to stay standing so that you can leap forward along with the wave the next time it rises. Trying to resist life’s flow is a losing proposition and costly because you waste energy.
  
  Riding the wave allows you to move forward without expending too much of your own efforts. When you ride the wave, you are carried by it and your head can “stay above water” as you go wherever it takes you. It can be difficult to trust the universe and let go of the urge to fight life’s flow, and you may find it easier to ride the wave if you can stay calm and relaxed. Riding the wave will always take you where you need to go.

One more burden gone

Thank God, Bush is back in Texas. I wish him well and hope he is right about his place in history. Lord knows after 9/11, I was heartened by his forceful address to Congress about how we were going to get through the crisis. I grew to hate him, though, after all his policies of waterboarding, extraordinary rendition, invading the wrong country, misuse of the state National Guards, lack of oversight allowed within federal agencies from the EPA, USDA and others, culminating in the Wall Street disasters because there were no regulators watching carefully. By the end, I couldn't listen to the man without hitting something. I simply was that mad at him. I don't have to be that way now. I just hope I don't have that kind of hate festering again with anyone else. It weighed me down. But now, buoyed up by hope, by Obama, by change...we will see

TGFA

Thank god for the inAugural. It was a long time coming. Too long. Perhaps we can legislate a quicker transfer of power. Perhaps that would be a bad idea because whoever wins will need the time to get a team in place. Obama has made this look like a duck in water. And of course, the part we see of the duck is calm but there are whirling legs paddling like crazy below our view. The next four years will need all the power that duck paddle can give it. C-Span was asking people if they thought we had too high an expectation for Obama. I fear so. It has taken a long time for us to get into this fix. Economically since the Reagan voodoo economics in the 1980s. Morally since the Vietnam/Watergate era. Nationally we have had heart cancer and have not dealt kindly with one another since the assassinations of the 1960s -- there are so many. Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, JFK and RFK. The loss of so many soldiers through out the 50 years since 1960. We have lost faith, lost hope, lost our way. When god no longer answers, government no longer cares, it becomes a national theme to take care of number one. Not our brothers, not our animals, not our environment. You can call it enlightened self interest or greed. Whatever it is, I hope that with the new president we will see one another and our responsibilities to each other as well as ourselves in the clarity of the 'now.'

Perhaps there will be peace

High Heel Shoes

Wow! My respect for Michelle Obama is high anyway but after watching her stand at the parade podium and wave for the bands while still in her high heels is inspiring. Strong arches, strong woman, good Under-Standing.....

Watching Animal Planet with my Cats

Oh good grief...my cats like to watch tv with me. At least the boys cats do. This afternoon though my elusive girl cat came down to watch Animal Planet Dogs 101 with me. That is just plain weird. Sweet, but weird....

Pride and the Elizabethan Collar

Cats are like teenagers. They hate being laughed at. And yet, what is funnier than a cat with an Elizabethan collar on. So today, I decided not to laugh and told the cat that the collar (which was blue) was actually a super cat cape. IDK if the cat believed me or not but wouldn't it be better to treat them as the super heros they really are rather than laugh at them....

TTNF

Going to a Peace Rally at the JCC

Oh, Good Grief....here is an event I really don't want to go to. I am just not the rally girl for causes. I would rather work for those affected by the problem than march or rally to show my support for it. But in the case of Israel v. Gaza, I am conflicted. I truly am. I would no more tolerate anyone lobbing bombs at me and mine than the Israelis do. I would fight tooth and nail to protect those I love. So I understand them. On the other hand, the civilians in Gaza are motivated by the same fierce defense of their own. And why not? Why go after Hamas and create more enemies? Why? I disagree with the concept of war. If you must fight, make it fast and final. Don't leave anyone behind alive to hit you again. But this kind of war is horrible for both sides. Everyone suffers. I know it sounds weird for someone who converted to Judaism to say this but I believe in Peace Now. No settlements on the west bank. A state for the palestinians. And working on keeping other influences from intruding on the two sides. It will never happen. Not now. And it is sad. Both sides have vibrant and caring backgrounds. But when loved ones are killed in senseless conflict, there is no peace. Not unless there is a miracle. Let's pray for a miracle and work for peace.

Oh, Good Grief, The Horoscope Hits Home Again

No wonder I brought in lots of extra coffee, cookies and creamer today. Not to mention rearranged the kitchen. This article from my Cancer Daily Horoscope says it all.

• January 18, 2009
• Lost in Beauty
• Cancer Daily Horoscope
• Your creativity can serve you well today, whether you are endeavoring to complete a professional project or concentrating your attention on a hobby from which you derive pleasure. You may find yourself infusing everything to which you apply yourself with an atmosphere of artfulness that affords others a unique opportunity to appreciate beauty in everyday objects. The main beneficiary of your imaginative labors, however, will likely be you, as your devotion to loveliness ensures that your thoughts remain positive and upbeat at all times. You may also enjoy expanding your horizons through creative activities today, and the curiosity that blossoms within you as you create can become the seed of a lifelong quest for beauty.
  
  It is easy to put aside worldly cares when we lose ourselves in the beauty we are capable of creating, using little more than our imaginative minds. Our thoughts naturally revolve around all that is good and true rather than the challenges that are circumstantially thrust upon us in our daily lives. Because we are immersed in the rushing flood of the creative flow, we have little time or energy to devote to topics that fall outside of the range of our imaginations. The world is a much more pleasant place when we observe it through perception that is colored by our innovative vantage points. We can appreciate the loveliness that is inherent in simply living, without giving regard to the tension that is an established part of being. Your creativity will make the world seem like a brighter place today.

Bursting with Life, Bursting with Love, Living with Death

Life for the cats in the FIV house is really good. We offer care, love and sanctuary for cats who otherwise get euthanized routinely in vet offices. Uneducated vets kill for the best of their reasons. FIV is contagious. To control it, you kill the vector. A cat carries FIV - so the thinking goes - so the cat needs to be put down. It is not my philosophy though. My experience is that FIV cats are the happiest, sweetest, kindest, full of life animals I have ever met. When I sit in the FIV house, I am covered with cats within minutes. Covered. It seems odd that cats with FIV are so loving and yet when I consider it further....most cats with FIV are formerly feral cats. Feral cats get into fights and the virus is spread in saliva. My guess is that the friendliest cats are the ones who get bitten and therefore get the virus. How sad is that? Very sad. The friendlier the cats, potentially the sicker they may be. There is a correlation here. I hope that this is not the case with the little kitten I am so worried about. I really do. For such a young animal to be so bursting with live, love and death...is quite an impact. And I have to hold to the 'bumpy road' nostrum from Buddhism. Life is a bumpy road. The view from the top is breath-taking (like last week with the rescue of the kittens) and the subsequent bump to the rump is part of the same package.

Until all beings know peace, may peace be